I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
