ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think a kid would responsible me up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
