Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still dying that you shit outside
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
