At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
