People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
