Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
