You can't motorboat a personality
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
