Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
