Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
