Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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