I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
