I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
