put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
