I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
