he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
