My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
