She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
