Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
