Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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