dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
