i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
