Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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