ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
