the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
