just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
