Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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