I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
