I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize