Duck Duck Cougar?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
