I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
