I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
