Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
