Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
