I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
