I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
