i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
