JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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