A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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