I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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