I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
