I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize