she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
