Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
