my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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