I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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