God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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