I love watching others lives come down to our level.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
