Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
