apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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