Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
