at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
