i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
