Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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