i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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