I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
