No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
